Posted: March 23rd, 2023

He’s Just Not That into You


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Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo wrote the book “He’s not just into you,” which became one of the great advice books that were ever written about love and relationships. The authors provide tough advice, which helps women get out of dead end relationships. The paper shall look at why women read advice books, the characteristics of the man who is not interested in you, assumptions made by both men and women regarding their gender roles, and lastly what the author assumes about the audiences’ sexual orientation

Why Women Read Advice Books

Women are emotional beings thus; they tend to read advice books more than men do. Women read the books because of the various reasons. Firstly, when a woman has a problem, she blames herself; hence, she looks for ways of addressing the issue (Relationship Advice 5). Women believe that the advice books offer solutions to their problems. Secondly, women read the books for self-improvement because most of them have self-esteem issues. Men on the other hand, solve the problems on their own, thus do not read the advice books frequently.

Characteristics of a Person who is not into you

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According to the authors, one is able to know that the person they are interested in is not into them if they exhibit various behaviors. Firstly, if he cannot ask you out. When a person likes you, they will ask you out. When it comes to men, we should deal with them as they are and not how we would like them to be. When a person gives excuses for not taking you out, he is simply rejecting you.

Secondly, when a person is not in you, they will not call you. Men are never too busy to call. If someone is in your mind, you will take the time to show that you care. If a man likes you, they will not forget you. When one becomes too busy and they cannot call others, it becomes a weapon of destroying the relationship. If a man fails to communicate, it simply means you are not in his mind, thus, he is not into you.

Thirdly, when a man is not into you, he will not make any attempt of dating you. If the man likes you, then he will take you out on dates. Going out on a date is a way of the person saying that they are interested in you and they would like to spend quality time with you. Men usually tell you how they feel even if you refuse to believe them. If one is not sure of where the relationship is going, she can always ask for clarification.

Fourthly, when a man is not into you, he will not want to have sex with you. If the person is attracted to you, he will not keep his hands to himself. Moreover, when a person is not into you, he will cheat on you. Cheating disrespects the other person and betrays their trust. In fact, the authors aver that there is usually no excuse for cheating. The person who cheats only cheats himself, because he does not get to be with you.

Furthermore, he is not into you when he wants to see you in only those situations when he is drunk. The drunkards are emotionally unavailable, unreliable, insensitive, dishonest, and very abusive. What a man says when he is drunk, does not count because his senses are not working well. In addition, when a person is not ready to marry you, then he is not into you. One should pick a person that shares views about the future with her (Behrendt and Tuccillo, 15). Every person that you have ever dated, who has said he does not want to get married, will one day get married. He just does not want to marry you at the moment.

He is also not into you, when he breaks up with you. Breaking up means that he does not want to go out with you. If he broke up with you, and he is not making any effort to get you back, then he is not into you. We can never talk our way out of the break up because it is a definite action. Moreover, the person is not into you when he decides to disappear on you. If he talks to you then for some reason he goes quite, then let him go. Lastly, a person is not interested in you, when he becomes self-centered. We deserve to be with a person that is nice to us all the time. It is evident from the authors that women should realize when they are pushing for a dead horse and they should prepare to reset their goals. They should set levels that men will not tolerate. When we design the person we want to be in the future, then we will attract people with the same standards.

Assumptions Made about Men and Women

From the book, it is evident that both men and women make the following assumptions when they are interested in someone. Firstly, women assume that men are complicated and that it is hard to understand them. The truth is that men are not complicated because their actions are straight forward; hence, it is easier to predict their behavior. Secondly, women assume that men should always make the first move when they are interested in them. Therefore, women will wait for a man to ask them out. Thirdly, women assume that when a man is not interested in you, they will say it to your face. The truth is that men are cowards and cannot break bad news by telling you they are not interested in you. Fourthly, women believe that men are interested in them and they always have their best interests at heart. The truth is that most men do not care about what you want out of the relationship.

Moreover, women believe that just because they had sex with someone, it is a sign of love, and it will eventually work out. Men can have sex just for fun, while women wire sex with emotions. Women also believe that if a man makes passes at you, he is definitely interested in you. However, women should instead focus on whether a man’s action shows his affection for you. Moreover, women assume that men will change their behavior, be it cheating or drinking and they eventually make excuses for the man, but the truth is that if he really were into you, he would change his behavior just for you. Women also assume just because they are attractive, men will want to be with them. As such, they wonder when men stop making passes at them. Women assume that if a man likes you, he will have sex with you. Some men just want to be friends. In fact, some women also assume that when a man cheats on them, it is their fault. They think that he did it because the woman in his life is fat or has a low sex drive, but this is not usually the case.

Women also assume that if a person is taking you out to partcipate in activities such as swimming, clubbing, and dancing, then he is interested in you (Behrendt and Tuccillo, 10). This is usually not the case. Women are always in denial, they can tell by a man’s actions that the relationship is not going anywhere, but they continue being optimistic about the person. Women also assume that if they play along with what their partners like, the relationship will get better. Thus, women will go out drinking just to please their partners who are drunkards. In addition, Women assume that if the relationship is going on well, then the man will ask for their hand in marriage. What they do not know is that a man can be in the relationship for reasons other than marriage. Lastly, women tend to believe that when the man keeps crawling back to them after the break up then he is into you. However, the man might just come back because he feels lonely and might not care about the woman.

Gender Role Expectations

According to the society, firstly, men are supposed to be courageous. Thus, women believe that men should tell them the truth about the relationship. In addition, men are seen to be hunters; hence, they want to be in control of the issues. Therefore, when a man is interested in you, they will find you. Lastly, Women are supposed to submit to men. However, the modern woman assumes that traditions have changed and that women can take charge of the relationship by asking men out and even asking them to marry them.

Author’s Expectations of the Audience’s Sexual Orientation

The authors believe that if the woman would understand men’s mindset, then that would keep them away from unsatisfying relationships. They continue to highlight that men are not complicated and they cannot send mixed signals. Men are afraid to tell a woman directly that they are not interested in them, but their actions will always show how they feel. Thus, from the book, when a woman sees the need to figure the person out, then, he is not into you. Women should not spend time and give their hearts to men who make them wonder about the place they held in the men’s lives. When a man wants a relationship to work, he will move mountains just to make that happen. However, if he cannot, then the woman should see the danger signs and choose to walk away.


As is evident from the authors’ perspective, it is worth noting that how a man behaves in the relationship, says whether he is into you or not. Thus, instead of women wasting time hoping that the men will change, they should just walk away. Men have been known to be hunters and they will always go after their prey, thus if he wants you, he will definitely find you.

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