Posted: May 18th, 2021
This is a very good start, and you have done some excellent work in this draft. My main feedback at this point is just to slow down a bit in your writing and help your reader understand each of the points you are making—this would also allow you to go a bit deeper with your analysis of each point in order to expand this draft for the final version. I would also suggest using a specific quote from one of the two texts to support each point you are making; you raise some excellent points in this draft, but they are sometimes a bit too general. When you use these quotes, make sure you are also doing some work to analyze them—tell the reader what is important about each quote, what you think it means, and how it is significant to the argument you are making. Beyond that, the next step in revising and expanding this draft would be to go a bit deeper in asking why: Why, for example, do you think Gilmore provides so much data and writes the book in a way that she knows will be difficult for many readers to grasp at first? Is it possible that she is aiming at a different audience than Davis, or trying to do different things as a writer? It would also be good to compare the conclusions of the two books, and the suggestions that they make to the problems that they are writing about. Are there differences between their conclusions and the concrete suggestions that they offer? I love that you have begun to bring them into a dialogue towards the end of your draft, and this is something that you might have them discuss as well. But overall, this is a very good start, and I really appreciate the way you bring your own voice into this. Keep up the good work! Please let me know if you have any questions about these comments.
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